


Kicking Ass

by luckywitch



Series: Happiness is a Warm Taser [2]
Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Banter, Darcy/Taser, Destruction of Perfectly Good Items, F/M, Flirting, Harry Potter - Freeform, Pre-Relationship, Swearing, UST, pop culture references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-19
Updated: 2012-02-19
Packaged: 2017-10-31 10:59:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/343307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckywitch/pseuds/luckywitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I was out here going to go get lunch because I didn’t know the Hound of Baskerhell was going on a rampage,” getting more upset as she thinks of her delicious lunch plans in ruins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kicking Ass

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when you don't have the Internet for a week, and when you disagree with the story about where it should end.
> 
> Let me know about any mistakes and/or if you're interested in beta-ing. Enjoy!

It’s a pretty quiet day at S.H.I.E.L.D. Darcy’s down in the stacks in the basement, filing away a Mini Cooper’s worth of paperwork.

She asked Coulson why S.H.I.E.L.D. hasn’t gone paperless yet, and all he does is respond cryptically, “That it’s good to have backups, just in case.”

Darcy thinks it’s because he doesn’t want Tony to get his hands on the digital copies and so they leave some of the more top secret information on paper, which is preposterous, since Tony is totally paying Taylor in Human Resources to get this information for him, which S.H.I.E.L.D. knows about, and Sasha in Research and Development, which she’s pretty sure S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn’t know about.

She’s putting away a folder under Norton, E. when her stomach growls, loudly. Deciding that she’s made good progress so far, she figures it is about time for lunch. It’s later on in the day than she thought, but that Mini Cooper’s worth of paperwork is now a Smart Car. Most people she’d bother to have lunch with her have already eaten and Jane is currently in New Mexico, so it looks like she’s going solo.

There’s a good little Cuban place not too far from headquarters and they serve daiquiris to go. A mango daiquiri will definitely help spice up the monotony of the alphabet and arranging papers according to it. It’s one of the better ideas she’s had in a while.

She brought her bag down with her this morning and thanks to S.H.I.E.L.D. she is always prepared like Scar’s told her the hundreds of times she watched _Lion King_ , and yea, Coulson’s might have mentioned it once or twice.

Darcy’s not too far in the basement from the street entrance and takes the stairs. When she makes it to the top, it’s quiet there too, and oddly bare, but she thinks that might have more to do with the fact that the annual expense reports are due soon. She’s positive that’s why Natasha is currently in Paris, seemingly constructing a mission out of nowhere, all to avoid the reports. Bruce legitimately has a conference he has to attend. It sounds like a sleep over for scientists, but apparently important work will be discussed instead of toe nails painted. Either way, both of them are getting the stink eye when they come back, for leaving Darcy with the “children” and Steve, unless they bring her back something to make up for their disappearance and maturity. They’d better…

It’s a gorgeous day in October, some sort of warm front making it in the mid-70s as summer makes one last attempt to keep its strangle hold on the weather. Darcy’s iPod is currently playing the “Soundtrack of New York” playlist because there is nothing like a booming bass to make your steps feel powerful and a walk more enjoyable.

She thinks about taking a late lunch more often because there is no lunch time foot traffic. Almost to the point of 'Is Brad Pitt in Time Square or something? Or is Barney's having that great sale finally? I always miss hearing about those.'

She turns left and takes a short cut through the Macy's where the exit she needs happens to be by the shoe department, which takes the brunt of her full attention, enough to not notice that Macy’s is empty too. The boot selection is pretty rocking right now, the gorgeous fall collection in, but far too many Uggs for her liking. Maybe she does need those brown leather prairie boots and those nude platforms with the thick neon heel.

She exits, putting off buying until another day to see if she actually wants the boots, about to cross the street to the restaurant, when she comes face to face with a ravaged street. Dazedly she pulls out her headphones to take a look around.

The street is covered in concrete debris, pock marks scaring the road, and a couple cars have been crushed and flipped on their sides. There is no one around and the thought arises, ‘Oh, that’s why nobody is around. Something is attacking the city.’ She feels the pavement begin to shake with little pieces of rubble lightly bouncing on the sidewalk, and looks up just in time to see a giant three headed dog beast running down the road.

Darcy is kind of in awe, because even though she lives in New York now and works with superheroes, that’s not something you see every day.  Part of her hopes that Hagrid appears out of nowhere with a pink umbrella.

She sees Iron Man fly over the dog beast, shooting it with the repulsors. Captain America is running alongside it now, using his shield to distract the head on the left. There is a bit of a blur on the rooftops, and that must be Hawkeye trying to find an advantageous tactical position. Thor pulls up on the right side of the dog, calling out to it, “Oh, Garmr! Let me ride astride you on this glorious day! For you have much changed since I have seen you last.”

Thor’s comment doesn’t affect the beast’s behavior, but at least the three-headed dog has stopped running and is focusing on the Avengers. The right head keeps on trying to bite at Thor as he evades the roving mouth; Hawkeye’s arrows are just being brushed away by the tail; and Captain America is playing tug-o-war with his shield and the left dog head.  Iron Man goes for a full frontal attack on the center head, when the dog beast catches him by the leg and starts shaking him around. As he desperately tries to free himself, one of the repulsors must catch the hell hound the wrong way, and it tosses Iron Man to its right, and before Iron Man can upright himself and fly away, he lands straight into the Cuban restaurant’s front window.

Darcy lets out a horrified, “Noooo!” as she look at the demolished restaurant. It was one of her favorites! It had some of the strongest coffee and great pastries. Then as she is lamenting the loss of the store she realizes she’s not at home watching an entertaining action movie with people she knows as the stars; this is real life; and that giant mutant dog is moving her way.

For a second, Darcy is frozen to the spot her entire thought process being, ‘Ohh fuckity fuck fuckerson!’ Before she’s moves her ass into high gear and heads for the door of the Macy’s building. ‘Why did I have to get caught up in watching them? Why did I need to figure out right then what Harry Potter character they are? Oh shit, am I going to make it?’

It’s not that Darcy is far from the Macy’s door, it’s just that the demon dog is faster. With one push, the dog’s paw knocks her to the ground on her back. The center nose leans down, sniffling up and down her body, blobs of drool leaking out of its mouth, covering Darcy shirt and pants.

“C’mon Fido! Not only is a giant dog beast attacking me, it’s drooling on me when I’m wearing a white shirt too! I look like some sort of Spring Break reject. But, on the bright side if I piss myself before I get eaten, everyone will think it’s dog drool,” she says anxiously talking to herself.

It’s not like wiggling out is an option, so Darcy tries to bargain with the beast, “Ok, Spot, I taste bad. I will not be yummy, but if you let me go, I have some nice bacon and bones that I can get you. Hell, I’ll get you your own pig!’

The hound isn’t having any of it, just pinning her down with its nose. Darcy can distantly hear the Avengers in the background yelling, but she can’t quite make out what they’re saying, all she knows is that they need to hurry up.

“How about music? They say music tames the savage beast, not that I think you’re a savage beast Fluffy, but…oh God, I’m talking like you understand me,” breaking off into slight hysterics.  “Ok, ok, what would you like to hear? How about the “Dog Days are Over?”  Which is the first song Darcy can think of. 

“Good to know my sense of humor hasn’t left me yet,” she states before starting to hum the chorus.

Fluffy isn’t a fan of Florence or the Machine, and softly growls at Darcy, ears lying flat on all of the giant dog’s heads as it looks side to side. ‘Maybe they should get that on American Idol,” she thinks as it effectively stops her humming.

“Fuck! They’re taking too long,” Darcy mutters to herself. She reasons it time to try her Plan B since nothing else has worked and she’s in an ‘it can’t hurt type’ of situation.

Her hand moves slowly to her bag, trying not to attract any attention from the dog beast, but it’s too busy paying concentrating on their surroundings and still has her trapped. She has her satchel open and is reaching for that special compartment in the back, when her fingers find what they’re looking for and brush against the familiar rubber grip. With it firmly in her hand, she pulls out her taser, and points it up toward creature.

With one last deep breath out, Darcy says, “Hasta la vista, puppy!” and pulls the trigger sending the darts into the mutant dog, shocking it with 300 kilovolts.

Fluffy stops looking around and goes still, until its back left leg starts thumping the ground, raising Darcy, her bag, and whatever wreckage around them, in the air and immediately proceeds to roll over on its back, paws folding in over itself.

Whatever reaction Darcy had prepared herself for the dog beast to take – rolling away quickly so she wouldn’t get crushed (as badly) to it not to affecting it all and eating her—this was not one of them. She keeps her hold on her taser, no longer sending out any volts and cautiously stands up, keeping her eye on the befallen beast.

The dog looks over at her with all six of its eyes and Darcy’s thinks ‘Oh shit!’ before it starts making noises at her. That sound suspiciously like whining.

Darcy looks side to side, not sure what to do. While the dog whines, she tries to figure out what exactly a mutant dog beast wants. “Ok, Cerberus, I guess will go with ‘Plan B’ again?” and sends another jolt through her taser.

If the dog’s tail is any indication that shocking it seems to do the trick; it is so happy that the wagging tail knocks over a street sign. With the puppy under control, she grabs her phone and calls Coulson letting him know what’s going on puts up the ‘I’ll be with you in one moment’ finger to the Avengers that have now assembled by her.

Captain America is the first to question her after she gets off the phone, “Are you ok, Darcy? What are you even doing out here?”

“I’m fine, Cap, and S.H.I.E.L.D. will be here in three minutes with the containment facilities for Fluffy here,” pointing to the dog and sending more electricity its way. It lolls around in response.

“Fluffy? You named the demon dog, Fluffy?” Iron Man asks, raising his face plate up.

“Really, none of you know about Harry Potter?” she responds, shaking her head.

For a second there it looks like Clint is going to raise his hand, before Tony shoots over a glare at him, and he ends up running his hand through his hair instead.

“I was out here going to go get lunch because I didn’t know the Hound of Baskerhell was going on a rampage,” getting more upset as she thinks of her delicious lunch plans in ruins. “I missed that memo because I’ve been in the basement all morning.

“I was going to get some cheap, amazing Cuban food and have one of the most amazing drinks known to man, the mojito frozen daiquiri, but you know what? Since you,” thumping Tony on his chest plate, working up into a full on rant, “Went through their front window, I doubt that that’s going to happen. Who even knows if they’ll reopen? Those daiquiris were works of art man! Never smelt like alcohol, just made you smell like mint and dreams. Dreams! They even would turn my coke slushees into Cuba Libres! Who does that? Who does that?”

It does make her feel a tad bit better that Tony looks sad to be missing out on daiquiris, but she also feels worse because Captain America—never Steve while he is in uniform—is gazing at her disapprovingly, and Clint is looking at her like the pieces of the puzzle finally came together. Thor has completely bypassed this conversation, understandably, to give Fluffy more belly scratches.

“On top of that, I feel disgusting,” she says as she picks at her clingy shirt. It’s at this point that all the other guys notice that she’s wearing a wet, white, shirt. Captain America is slightly blushing and averting his gaze, Tony is unfazed after appreciatively leering, and Clint gawks at her, before keeping his eyes steadily on her face.

‘They must have been really concerned about my safety to just notice it now,’ she thinks kindly before she gears up to give ‘em hell some more.

 “While you all were playing with a giant, mutant puppy, I was getting slobbered on by it! Ok, it may not seem like playing and it may be teething, but you’re playing tug-o-war and swiping at it, and it just thinks it is a game! It’s a puppy, still, and holy shit, yea, it’s going to get bigger, and destroy cars instead of flip-flops, but that’s what it’s going to do.”

“Lady Darcy is correct,” Thor pipes in, “This ‘Fluffy’ is a genteel beast and only wishes for its stomach to be assuaged and meat flavored treats. It will be a fine hunter once properly trained!”

“Uhh, thanks Thor,” Darcy replies completely thrown off track. “So yea, it’s a puppy, you ruined my lunch and essentially my outfit, and...you’re buying me lunch and new outfit!” she finishes vehemently which is right around the time that Coulson shows up with the containment team.

Darcy is trying to cover herself up, because showing her tits to her boss does not seem to be the most professional thing to do, when Coulson offers his jacket to her.

“Oh my god, thank you,” Darcy utters gratefully, wrapping the jacket around her. “I’ll get this dry cleaned and back to you by tomorrow.”

“You can bring it in with your report,” the agent says to her and to the rest of the group, “I expect your reports on my desk tomorrow as well.”

Darcy notices Clint making a face, and it’s not like this is the first time he’s ever had to write a report after an assignment, and she thinks he doesn’t normally complain, so she has no idea what his deal is.

Agent Coulson turns around to leave with the rest of S.H.I.E.L.D. and the newly crated Fluffy, and says before walking back to headquarters, “Stark buy Miss Lewis lunch or would you like our standing lunch date of Super Nanny and a plush carpet instead? And Miss Lewis, take the rest of the day off, and if all else fails, appeal to Ms. Potts’ sensible nature.”

Darcy has no idea what Coulson is talking about, but the others are laughing as Clint breaks out into an awful Wicked Witch of the West impression and says to Tony, “I’ll get you my pretty, and your little three-headed dog too!”

Tony breaks it all up by saying, “Ok, how about we all go to lunch in thirty. I know a great Mexican place, with amazing margaritas, all for you Darce, and you can come with us, come shower back at the Mansion, and we’ll get JARVIS to have some fresh, dog-slobber free clothes delivered by the time you’re finished, because what’s the point of being Tony Stark if you can’t have fast everything?”

Everyone agrees to the plan and Tony says, “¡Vamanos muchachos!” grabbing Captain America by the arm, dragging him along telling him about the different types of Mexican food.

As they walk to the location where Happy is waiting for them, Clint leans down and whispers to Darcy, “Sounds like someone has been watching too much Dora.”

“Heard that! And, fuck Boots, I’m all about Diego” Tony yells back.

Darcy can’t help but laugh since it’s been one of those kinds of days.

 

* * *

 

In no time, they’re back at the Avengers Mansion and JARVIS directs her towards a guest bedroom with in suite bathroom.

“Miss Darcy, I have been instructed to ‘Make it work’” the AI replies in an uncannily correct impression of James Gunn, “And find you clothes to wear as well. Do you have any preferences?”

“Not really, just nothing too fancy. As much as the thought of extorting money off of Tony sounds like fun. Right now, clean and fresh is all I’m looking for.”

“Understood. I have taken the liberty and looked up the closest stores in the area with the most variety in apparel. I have selected a couple of looks for you to choose from, based on weather conditions, current fashions, and a previous compilation of your preferences. They’re on screen now.”

Darcy looks at the screen and has to admit JARVIS does an awesome job of picking things she’d like. Out of the ten options, she immediately eliminates all the maxi dresses and maxi skirts and gets rid of the options that contain pieces that are similar to what she already owns. She ends up picking the outfit with red jeans, a black and white striped top with three-quarter length sleeves, and black combat-esque boots. She gives all her sizes and measurement details to JARVIS, who is comfortingly thorough.

“You’re not going to keep that information, are you JARVIS? Well, you can keep it, just in case, but is there an Anti-Tony and the rest of the Avengers protocol I can enable?”

“That information is stored and can only be accessed by myself,” JARVIS replies soothingly.

“Thanks JARVIS, you’re the best! I’d give you a hug if you had a corporal body and I wasn’t covered in dog drool.”

“Noted and appreciated, Miss Darcy. You’re clothing will be here within twenty minutes. Now go shower.”

“Seriously, my favorite! Are we sure you can’t just download yourself onto my phone, like a JARVIS app? Tony would never have to know,” she says while walking into the bathroom.

“I’ll see what I can do. Any music requests for your shower?”

“I think I’m in the mood for some Florence and the Machine, specifically the “Dog Days are Over.” Darcy replies as she gets into the shower.

“Now playing “Dog Days are Over” by Florence and the Machine.”

 

* * *

 

When Darcy exits the bathroom, she finds on the bed there are three boxes from Saks Fifth Avenue. Inside the first box are new undergarments, a lacy peach set; inside the second, her new outfit; and inside the third, her new shoes. Being mauled by a giant puppy is certainly starting to look up in her favor.

She grabs some spare make up she has inside her shoulder bag and sees what time it is on her phone.

‘Damn, they were here in twenty minutes or less. Wow, much better service than Papa Johns,’ she thinks as she goes back to the bathroom and gets ready.

Ten minutes later, she heads downstairs to the living room to find Clint on the couch watching tv wearing dark jeans and a light blue button up shirt, Steve’s on the back patio sketching in khakis and a short sleeved plaid shirt, and Thor laying out in black jeans and white v-neck on a lounge chair in the sun.

“Where’s Tony?” she asks Clint as she sits down on the couch, propping her feet up on the coffee table.

“Still getting ready, I think, unless he’s snuck into his workshop and we’re better off sending for a search party and take out,” he responds glancing over her way, “Nice threads. Although, I’m pretty sure a paper bag is better than being soaked in eau de dog drool.”

“I have two words for you Barton, purple spandex,” poking him in the arm which is covered in solid muscle. “And, Daddy Warbucks and JARVIS did a pretty good job. Although, I give all the credit to JARVIS, because if this were up to Tony, I feel like I’d be covered in feathers and sequins,” Darcy replies shuddering at the thought.

“But what a show girl you would make!” he says, laughing.

A beat goes by before Clint glances over Darcy’s way again and says in a softer voice, “I’m glad you weren’t eaten by a mutant dog beast.”

She looks over at him and smiles, “Yea, me too.”

They both settle back into the couch and watch the DVR’d episode of _The Soup_ , Clint has playing.

 

* * *

  
Five minutes later, Tony appears looking casual and expensive at the same time in jeans, a green silk shirt and black leather jacket.

“It’s about time,” Clint grumbles without any bite.

“Oh Barton, can you rush perfection? Besides, I needed some time to brush up on my español!” he winks back. “Now let’s go! I promised Darcy some out of this world margaritas and I am a man that keeps promises, especially when they apply to alcohol and drinking it.”  
  


* * *

  
That’s how Darcy finds herself sitting in one of New York’s most exclusive restaurants in a private booth, sitting next to Steve and Clint, drinking a hibiscus and orange blossom margarita, listening to one of Tony’s audacious stories, as Thor finishes a carafe of sangria by himself. She’s having a great time and is sad that she doesn’t get to hang out with their civilian personas as much. Darcy makes a promise to herself to socialize with them outside of the office more.

Dessert arrives and everyone reaches out to grab a sopapilla, even after stuffing their faces full, which is hard to do when you have Steve and Thor around. Darcy takes a bite and moans, as the dough and the cinnamon sugar melt in her mouth. She’d be embarrassed if it didn’t look like everybody else was enjoying their dessert with as much gusto as she is.

She decides to call it quits and leans back, letting the food settle in her stomach, watching the ridiculous waterfall, that’s surrounded by fire, run.

Clint turns her way, “This was fun,” he starts before pausing as she looks up at him.

“Hold still for a second,” he says as his gaze focuses on her lips.

‘What's he doing? Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Is he going to kiss me?’ is the mantra running through her head as Darcy’s heart starts pounding, her cheeks heat up, and her breath comes faster.

His left hand brushes against her chin, lightly holding her face still as his thumb reaches and brushes against the side of mouth and in the next second his hand is gone.

“You had some leftover sugar on your cheek. All clear,” he states, leaning back and taking a sip of water.

“Thanks,” Darcy sarcastically replies, ignoring the growing feeling of disappointment. It’s just as well that it didn’t happen, because they’re in front of everyone, even if Tony and Steve have their heads ducked together in a private conversation and Thor is on the phone with Jane. Plus, the fact she’s not that into him, even if he is ripped, he still tells lame jokes.

She covers her sigh by taking another sip of her drink before looking over shrewdly at him and asks, “So, what’s your favorite Harry Potter book?”  
  


* * *

 

  
Tony insists that she stay the night at the mansion, but as tempting an offer as that sounds, she has things she need to accomplish at her place. Since she doesn’t relent, she does take up his offer to have Happy drive her to her apartment, while everyone else decides to go for the ride.

She waves goodbye to everybody as she enters the door, and watches the car pull away.

Settling in her apartment, she sits down in front of her computer as she starts to type up her report. Darcy thinks about how she never would have pictured this life for herself, but wouldn’t trade it for anything. How many times do you meet a three-headed dog, get a new outfit for free, dine at a trendy restaurant, and argue the merits of Prisoner of Azkaban versus Half Blood Prince (Prisoner of Azkaban is obviously better for the introduction of the Marauders and Hogsmeade) with someone whose job description is practically ‘Save the world.’  
  


* * *

  
The next day—after she returns Coulson’s jacket, thank the universe for 1 hour dry cleaners—if anyone asks, she is not the person that left a paperback copy of Harry Potter in Steve’s locker, nor did she send the digital movie file to Tony, the audiobook to Thor, or the hand drawn map of S.H.I.E.L.D.  that looks suspiciously like the Marauder’s map with little x’s marking the spot of Commander Fury and Agent Coulson’s offices in Clint’s locker.


End file.
